What is death?

I am very fortunate to have lived 25 years and never seen death.

I have a large family, a few good friends, and people I love, but no one I've ever been close to has ever died.

We've had plenty of close calls in surgery. We're cancer survivors. We're blessed.


I was asked not to post specifics because it's very sensitive... but one of my relatives has been in the ICU for a week. All that I can say is that he's very ill. Machines keep him alive, and that's a terrifying thought. At one point, I considered him a father figure. We used to be close, but have drifted apart this past decade because of petty misunderstandings.

I was scared to see him today.
Me, scared of so little, standing next to his bed, silent, terrified.
All past crap aside, I still love him.
I stood next to my grandmother as she talked to him. Whether he can hear us or not... nobody knows.
After she finished, I stayed by her side and just walked out. I didn't know what to say.

She's so strong, my grandmother. Afraid, but she's not showing it. She had lost a daughter the year before I was born, and had always told me how I'm the image of her.. We've always been close, partly for that reason, I think.

Anyway...

My family, large as it is, has always been close.

They're Christians. They follow the Bible and attend church weekly and pray for everything.
I've never been religious. I don't care one way or the other, as long as people are good people, that's what matters to me. I will always be a good person, and I don't think my religious views would condemn me to burn for eternity if there even is a Hell.

But I watch them and listen to them all get together and pray. It's never anything petty. It's just for faith and good judgment and health. We always take care of each other. Feed each other. Listen. We were taught to give everything we have, if another person truly needs it.

I feel conflicted, because I'm not in that circle of religiousness.
Yet everyone else in my family is so sure about God taking care of us when we need it.
I wonder if there truly is power in prayer, because the few deaths in our family have been of old age, peacefully.
We've been so lucky.

Now, seeing him supported by tubes and wires...
this is new.
Yet I have every faith he'll get better, and I don't understand why.

Is it possible that faith is keeping us alive and together?
Is it God and prayer?
or are we just really resilient?

HSN's Beginner's Guide to Bronzing, Highlighting, and Contouring

This morning, I was surprised, honored, and intrigued that HSN contacted me to review a beauty video that has yet to be released.

It's their Beginner's Guide to Bronzing, Highlighting, and Contouring.

In all honesty, I haven't really experimented with any of these concepts. I'm generally a foundation and mascara... maybe chapstick kind of girl. I love the natural beauty look.

I was excited to get home and play around though.

I watched the video - beautifully shot, by the way - and thought "Hey that looks easy!" before rummaging through my limited collection of makeup. I used to have so much... but I'm sure the kids have made off with it somewhere... cat ate it... I'm really not sure what happened.

Watching the video, the woman is captivating. She's the drop-dead beauty every girl wishes to be.
She touches on where to add darker shades and where to highlight before hinting at bronzer.

To a makeup sorta-beginner... I'm still looking for something more. I need more detail. I need specifics. I need practice in general....
The video is a general overview, which is great for girls with the tools and basic idea of the products...
yet for someone like me just now trying it out... it still left me a bit... without direction. I felt like I just had to wing it.
It actually ended up being easy... I don't feel like I could have messed it up.
Honestly I loved the way my skin looked afterward.

My boyfriend walked in when I was finishing, and the first thing out of his mouth was "Wow, you look really beautiful today."
It kind of hit me then, that if someone who sees me every day can tell a big difference just by following this basic guide..
I don't know.
I feel pretty.
I feel the need to do this every day because it makes me feel good.

Maybe now I'll look for more in-depth videos. I find it fun to play around and build color and blend, while still looking radiant and natural.

Here are some pictures for you:



This was me, hair back and unglamorous, with only some cc cream and a bit of concealer under my eyes and a light layer of translucent powder.

 

 

 

This was after adding the Contouring in the hollows of my cheeks, the sides of my nose, the outer edges  of my face, and just under my bottom lip for the "pouty" look.

*Side note- I don't have any contouring products. I used a deep matte blush / eye shadow mix - color "chinchilla" to mimic the effect for the camera*

I feel like my face looks thinner and the light highlighting across my cheeks, bridge of my nose, brow bones, and chin make me look more.. glowing and youthful.

*For highlighter, I used a pearl eye shadow*


I still don't understand bronzer. Won't it be too dark for my skin tone? How much do I need? Which brush do I use? Does it go EVERYWHERE? I'm still a bit clueless, and I have none in my stash... so I didn't use any, but I'm so pleased with the tips found in this HSN video.

Anyone who wants to experiment and look better overall will probably love it too.


********

I've never let you know my real name...
Allow me to introduce myself.


I'm Kayla.


********

You can search HSN and Nurberxo on YouTube for more information or check out these links to buy the beauty products featured in the videos:

http://www.hsn.com/shop/beauty/bs
-and search for your favorite beauty products-


http://www.hsn.com/shop/makeup/bs0001
-specifically makeup-

Prepping for YouTube

Tonight was a blast!

I brought out my little Bloggie to do some practice videos.
I needed to find good lighting and set up a place for my shoots.

So far, I've noticed, the lighting here is terrible haha!
I don't have any of the fancy equipment, just standard lamps.
A Bloggie is basically a small camcorder/camera thing with pretty great picture quality.
Maybe it's a setting I have it on, but it wants to auto-adjust itself to the brightness of the room, if that makes sense.
Halfway through the video the thing dimmed out on me and turned the video a muddy brown color...
I'll need to fix that pretty quickly.

I also need to find a stand to mount the Bloggie on. Holding the thing in my hand isn't very functional. I'm limited in movement and it wiggles everywhere.

Even so,
The best part of the night was sitting on the counter in my bathroom, (because it has the brightest light and I wanted a comparison against the other rooms) taking a test video, and falling in the sink. I laughed at myself...I'm thinking about sharing the video for giggles.

I'll work out all the bugs.

I'll be taking this little camcorder everywhere to get used to being filmed again. It feels awkward talking to myself =)

I want to do supplement reviews!

You guys know me,
always wanting to try the next thing and promoting my successes to the masses... and giving my honest reviews about products...
I'm just passionate about that sort of thing...
Blogging is great, but I'd rather make videos and be mobile than sit confined to the desk on a laptop.
I'm aiming to switch over to YouTube and do weekly reviews.

I've come across this product that has limited reviews, called OxyShred, from EHPlabs. It looks pretty promising.
The catch? For a single mother of 2 working a desk job... it's pricey. $70.00 for a can of the powder.
I suppose that compared to other thermogenics it's not insanely expensive, but I, like many, have a limited income.
I'd love to try the product and make before and after videos... model a bit.. become more fit.

I've reached out to see if they'd send me samples.
I will always give an honest review, and this could be the start of a fantastic journey.
This product looks promising.

I'm looking forward to hearing the response from EHPlabs.
They're the only company I've contacted.

My Current Priorities

Something over the past few weeks has really changed my wants and goals..
I've been stuck in a rut. My life is falling into place, and because of that, I wonder what is left to really work toward..

I have my career. I like it better than any job I've had. It's accounting, and it lacks variety and excitement. I'm going to sell Mary Kay with my sister to make some extra money and get social interaction. My focus has shifted to hoarding away as much money as possible. So far, I haven't saved anything. I've been frugal with my bills and household expenses, but I tend to go all out on fresh produce and great food. Toss in the car repairs I had to make, and I'm pretty broke.

I need to start building credit. I've been turned down for loans and financing because I have no credit. No bad credit, just... none.
I've never had the desire to be in debt, so I never bought anything I couldn't pay in cash right then. It makes sense to me. Kinda screws me out of bigger things though.

I'm at the point where I'm ready for a house... Pretty sure I wouldn't get a loan with no credit history.
I've been looking at houses I love, and they fall into the 150-280k range. I don't need anything too big, just in a safe neighborhood with good schools. Open floor plan with massive windows, kitchen storage. Other than that, I'm pretty open.

It's a lot for a single mom to afford.


Career, running, meetings, kids, Game of Thrones....
It's all so much.

Shopping around for new furniture to put on a card to build credit...
House repairs...

Eh...

It's been ex-boyfriend central here lately. Every week or so one randomly tries to friend me on facebook, or sends me a text. Obviously it didn't work out before, and I have no intention of repeating my mistakes. I think it's because I'm happier, and occasionally post nice pictures. I'm healthier. More fit. I like to wear makeup and do my hair now. I'm finally happy being me again.

Combo-pilling... not worth it

Most of you readers are interested in the combo-pilling update..
I am not taking them anymore. I haven't in a month.
I've gained 4 pounds back, but lost an inch off my waist. I'm seeing the hip lines and definition again.

I was not myself on those pills. I was not as vibrant. It took away my hunger the first couple weeks, but I guess I just got used to them and started eating bigger portions like before. Between not feeling myself, feeling like a furnace, and being hungrier every day, I gave up on them. Not worth feeling out of whack.

So I'm 161
38-31-41

I imagine the weight gain is because I am eating more volume, but better foods. Mostly fruit and oats, wild rice... I try to eat as pure as possible. Drinking as much water as I can handle. I'm also running and getting stronger each day. I go further and run for longer periods of time without breaks.
Old friends and even family I haven't seen in a month are commenting on how much weight I've seemed to lose. They can't believe I've actually gained. Must be muscle.

I ended up taking a 3 week break from my running program. I jammed my knee and twisted my ankle when I tripped over a pothole. I should have paid more attention, but I prefer to run when it's dark.... No excuse.
I bought better shoes. Expensive fluorescent yellow ones that I adore. Shoes do make a difference, I've noticed.

So it's progress. Scale is up, but I feel better with diet and exercise. Weight is only a number. I'm a super hourglass.

Combo-pilling week 2 results

You want numbers, I bet?

I'm 5'3 on a good day.
I do carry my weight differently than the average woman. I'm muscular. Even at my most athletic and fit, I've never thought of myself as "skinny." Toned and everything, I have always had curves. Dancer's body and all...

Anyway, fell off the wagon after pregnancies, still kept my shape, just a bit larger haha.

As of April 1st, 2014
164.8 lbs.
38.5-34-42.5

As of today, April 14th, 2014
157.2 lbs
38-32-41

I've lost some butt ;)
noooooooooooo!

I do run about 10 miles per week now.
Breakfast is something small, like a homemade protein bar or a cup of yogurt with a banana.
Lunch lately is a few pieces of fruit on days I need a sugar rush...
or wild rice with veg and beans when I need that starchy, heavy feeling in my belly.
Dinner is whatever I damn well want.
The other day I ate half a pizza and a plate of chicken nuggets, a burger a couple of hours later.
I generally always have pita crackers..
Tonight I had 5 eggs after my run.. haha... that's all I have in the fridge and I'm feeling pretty full..
In complete honesty, I try to have healthy dinners. Once or twice a week I do binge, but for the most part it's more fruit and salads.

Looking back through the last couple of weeks... I'm not eating a lot of calories. My early evening run kills my appetite... so come dinner time, I'll opt for the non-fried versions of what I really want.. mostly whole foods... and go nuts.
I do find that I'm craving veggies much more than I ever have.

So there's that.
When I get hungry, I'm REALLY hungry.
Nothing wrong with giving your body what it needs.

I've lost about 4 pounds each week, which is great.
I'm wondering how much is just pills and/or placebo effect...
and how much a radical diet change and regular exercise plan
stand on their own.

Combo Pilling week one results, Noom app

Overall,
I've lost 2.5 pounds this week.

I've eaten when I was hungry... mostly good things. I've had chicken wings and a kid burger with fries the past couple of days. Too much hummus with pita crackers...
Honestly, I shouldn't have lost any with the way I've been eating at night.

I lost half an inch each off my chest and hips, but nothing off my waist. I did have a good sized portion of wild rice and veg for lunch though..


I downloaded the Noom weight loss app, just to keep my portions in the front of my mind. That's where I mess up. My portions have always been much too much.

I do like it, because it gives me little goals to keep in mind through the day.
It does a breakdown of foods and their calorie ratios.
I did find that it's not completely accurate. It told me a head of lettuce contained 200 calories..
So I've been googling calorie info before I enter my foods just to compare.


Tonight I started running again. I haven't mapped a run since August of last year. I ended up doing 2.4 miles, but it was very slow. Honestly, I spent most of my time walking and clinging to the stitch in my side. I guess I'll just have to work up into it again. For now, 2.4 miles is much better than zero miles.

The Zombies,Run! app makes it fun, but the people in my neighborhood are so nice, smiling and waving at me. It's hard to imagine them as brain munching horror freaks. Still, I try.


So tonight I plan on cleaning and organizing my room, shooting crown and pucker, and watching the game.
I have $100 waiting for me if Kentucky wins.
Can't miss this!

Disappointing Day 5 Results

I actually gained 2 pounds.

To be fair, I'm pretty sure I need to change the battery in my scale. It gives me a different number every time I step on, so I've been taking the average. Not accurate in the least... but it's all I have so far.

I'm also hosing water like I'm dying of thirst.

I haven't been too hungry for breakfast or lunch because I've been taking the pills before my meals, but come dinner time I'm starving and binging on everything in sight! I generally have an entire head of lettuce salad with a couple boiled eggs, bacon bits, and dressing... then whatever else I think I need after that. Generally, cookies.

I'm trying to do better. I only bought produce this week. Eggs. Fat free salad dressings.
I'm not buying meat anymore.
I'll get my protein from nuts and beans, lentils, quinoa.. maybe fish if I catch it.

I did make amazing protein bars today. I'm so excited for breakfast and post-running snacks.
All it is, a blend of protein powders, peanut butter, oats, and chocolate soy milk.
Phenominal flavor.

I'll have to start running again.
The Zombies,Run app I bought isn't compatible on my new phone. I slightly downgraded to save money, and I'm completely disappointed that I won't be chased by the undead anymore. It was a truly amazing experience.

Maybe I'll try harder not to binge at night,
and see better results next week.

Combo-Pilling Day 2

Let me tell you Readers... there is something to this.

I take one capsule of Zantrex 3 Red and one capsule of Relacore
with breakfast and lunch.

I have no hunger.
I have no cravings.
I could care less about food.
Not even chocolate.
Not even pringles.
Nothing.

You need to eat. That's a given. I worry that people who take these pills will starve themselves, because there's no urge to consume anything but water. You get thirsty, but that's about it.

Breakfast for me is whatever I have in the work fridge. Maybe it's a yogurt thing, a banana...
today I had about half a cup of wild rice with corn and soy sauce.
It's nowhere near the breakfast I would have had before taking the pills.
I take the pills as I'm leaving the house, and 20 minutes later I have a mini meal at 8am and I'm satisfied.

I don't feel hungry for lunch at noon.
I take the other two pills with a small bottle of water and eat about half as much as I normally would before putting the rest in the fridge again. I would never dream of having leftovers before.
Yesterday I had a small Tilapia fillet and half a cup of wild rice and broccoli/corn mix... again with soy sauce. Because why not?
Today I had an orange and a banana.

I don't need a snack.

My boss is amazing. At 2pm daily he passes out chocolate. I don't even want that... but I eat it anyway =)

I'm drinking water all day.

I get home at 5 and I should eat again, but I'm not hungry.
I just had about a cup of watermelon.
I won't take another pill again today because I want an appetite.

I know I'm not getting in enough calories and that's a scary thought.
It's like I have to force myself to eat.

So mom sent home some chili from last night. I'll have a big bowl at about 6.

In the meantime, I have laundry and Frozen to watch.


Side effects to note:

I feel warm. It's like the Zantrex is a thermogenic that raises your body temperature.
(When I take the Zantrex alone, I'm very hot and sweating all the time. This isn't happening when I take the Relacore with it.)

I'm happy, but I'm not overly hyper.

I kinda pee green.
lol
lol
TMI
The Relacore is a dark green pill that smells like a Prenatal Vitamin, but doesn't make me nauseous. It tastes awful though. I'm guessing this is just a weird side effect of the dark green whatever-they-add that's in the pill.



I'm not sure if it's because of mom's chili, or the pills, or my period.... but I have terrible cramps.
I have the Nexplanon birth control implant, and because of that, I only get a period every 3-5 months or so. When I do, I get terrible cramps. I'm sure the cramps are just part of womanly hell. But I'm still noting it, just in case.

I also fall asleep so much easier. I'm ready to crash around 9 or 10pm, and I wake up feeling rested, for the most part.


So I like this combo.
I just hope that the people who take it make themselves eat.
It's easy to portion out meals and stick to it, and not grab a second plate.
And I love food, so for me to say that is odd.
Just don't kill your metabolism by starving yourselves.

It's about $50 with tax to get 72 of each pill at WalMart. Lasts about a month taking 2 of each per day.
Factoring in the money I'm saving by not hitting the vending machine ($25), not going through the drive thru 3 time a week ($20), and being about to portion foods I cook and eating less in general, I'm saving money.

Cutting out fat and processed foods.
I can buy things with great nutritional value and break even. I'm not losing any money.

Who knows how this will affect the body in the long run though?

And I know I'll go back to being hungry and having a French fry massacre as soon as I stop taking them. Gain the weight back.

So... bittersweet.
Keep eating. Don't kill your metabolism people.