Who I am?

It seems like I've done nothing at all in 2012.

I wonder what would have happened if I'd stayed where I was a year ago. In so many ways I've moved on from my old self.
I've tried to be a better person. I think that my behavior has greatly improved.
I've put more thought into what others want before I've focused on myself.
I just wonder if that's the best road to take.
I try so hard to be unselfish, giving, loyal.
I think that's how the ideal person should be.

I could be selfish. I could be materialistic and care for only myself. I could be greedy and vain,
but I choose not to. Life would be so much easier if I only focused on my wants.
I just can't bring myself to do that, and I don't know why. Everyone else seems to be great at it.

Maybe that's why I think we, as a society, suck.

The majority of people wouldn't look out for their neighbor's best interest. If they did, there wouldn't be so much violence these days. People would be more conscious of their thoughts and actions. There would be respect and acceptance on the streets, not homicides and prostitutes.

Maybe prostitutes.

Probably prostitutes. Love is love, man.

I just feel myself getting so run down again. It's a vicious cycle... Trying to be the perfect person, but imploding every year or two and causing more damage in a week than I would in all those saintly years.

I have to fix this bug inside of me.

But I think maybe it's normal... to want to be selfish.. to want to get out and do whatever I want to do.. to not think about any consequences.

I don't know.

I need to be a good person.
I HAVE to be a good person.

I'm only tough on the outside...

For some reason,
I feel so emotional.
I feel lonely, even though I'm never by myself.
I feel the need to be creative, even though I never craft anything.
I feel powerful and powerless at the same time...
Secure enough to go through the motions with a slight sense of purpose, but honestly just wasting time wandering along the same path I've gone before... Constantly looking over my shoulder...
I desperately want change in my life, but the thought of going through change scares me to death.

At home I'm nearly content. I get so bored stuck in here all the time. I'm just confined...
Going out isn't really an option for me because I have the kids to care for. It's difficult to take them anywhere, to be honest. They don't stay together. I spend more time wrangling them up than doing whatever I had planned in the first place. I get frustrated and snappy at them and we all go home upset. I don't like that.

At least at work I get my social interaction. They're all so much younger than I am, though.
One of the guys is wanting to start a band with me. He says he'll teach me guitar. I'd like to sing, too. I get all happy thinking about it, until I forsee all the drama it will cause between me and Roberto.
He gets jealous when I talk about hanging out with the guys. Instead of starting a fight, I choose to stay home... but I really want friends that I can hang out with.
and I don't like girls... so having girlfriends is out.

I feel like my life is relatively easy. I just need a challenge in it.
I need something to look forward to, because just going through the motions to get though the day is depressing. I always find some reason to hold myself back, and I'm tired of it.
I just wonder if I'm tired enough to break the habit.

One man's trash...

This week has been an amazing one for my house.
I have so much furniture... when I had practically none before!

Craigslist has been my best friend.
We found a free couch, 3 free TVs, and a massive curio cabinet that we're using as an entertainment center.
The couch is old, and I don't really care for it, but for now it's something to sit on.
The TVs were all sitting on the street corner, and they all work perfectly. I was able to put one in Allison's bedroom and build her a shelf for all of her VHS movies. Yay hammer skills!
The cabinet is just gorgeous. It stretches along the entire wall and up to the ceiling. The detail on it is amazing. It looks high end... and we got it for free because it's missing a couple shelves... that I can easily get made for a few dollars and stain myself. I'm so excited! It even has built-in lights. I've never had anything like it before.

The house down the street has been vacant for a month, and someone came in and gutted it out. All the furniture and clothing was thrown in a huge pile in the middle of the driveway. We watched it for a day, and nobody came to collect anything, so we went and looked through everything. We found a rocking chair for the girls, two side tables, a swivelling barstool, a suede jacket, and a purse with a long gold chain. I removed the chain and made it into a necklace. It's gorgeous.

So our house is getting a make-over.

It's been a month since we reported that our water-damaged floor needs replaced, the doors won't close, and seals on all of the plumbing are leaking. It took 2 weeks for someone to come in, rip up the carpet, and take pictures. It's been over 2 weeks since that, the carpet is still ripped up, we haven't used the master bathroom in a month, and they told us not to do laundry until the floor was fixed.
Nobody has come by at all to do the repairs. It's really frustrating. We go to the office every few days to remind them that we can't access a good chunk of our home, and they always say 'Today, maybe Tomorrow.' It's ridiculous.


Anyway...
Today we took the kids to a private Christmas party on the plaza and they got to see Santa and get their first presents. It was cute. They got their pictures taken and faces painted. All the kids there were dressed up.. and Allison was wearing a skull and crossbones shirt...
but Santa gave them great books and candy...
It was a fantastic day.

We pinned down the carpet and put our Christmas tree over the hole in the floor, rearranged all of the furniture, and turned on the Feliz Navidad lights. We bought the gifts for the kids, and I'm excited for them to go to bed so I can wrap them all.

I bought wrapping paper yesterday, and my kids saw the paper in the car, so I told them that mommies and daddies had to buy paper to send to Santa so he can wrap the presents... so the lies begin.

Since Christmas is right around the corner, I've started introducing the Bible to the girls and telling them the story of baby Jesus. Allison heard 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' on the radio... and lately she's been getting really excited and yelling "Jesus is coming to town!" She's a bit confused. She keeps getting excited and saying she wants to see Jesus.

So.. That's where I'm at now.
Great week.

My Glorious Chick Mullet

I've wanted my hair cut for a long time.
I like to cut my own hair because I like it funky and different.
Last time I cut my hair, my co-workers called me Nikki Sixx for a month.
I really loved it.

I let my hair grow out to the middle of my back, but that's just too long for me.
I got tired of all the hairs falling out and making me itchy.
Honestly, I wanted to cut it all off and do a Rihanna-type 'do.
I just know that as soon as I chop my hair off, I'll cry my eyes out and want it back .

So last night I took my favorite scissors and chopped away... I have so much volume and texture in my fantastic bangs and my shorter layers. It's groovy.
I kept most of the length in the back... I just layered it from the very short up top down to the middle of my shoulder blades in back. It sounds weird, but it's whispy and flippy in all the right places.

I like to put it up in pig tails, because they fountain out, and it looks like a cute anime-type style that I haven't seen in a long time. The top layers are too short to reach the pony tails, so they just add the volume that I love and somehow, miraculously, always fall right into place without products or effort from me.

Everyone seems to love my new hair. I got so many wonderful comments on it.

I was handing out desserts at drive last night and this really sweet guy came back 20 minutes later just to ask me out. That hasn't happened in years!
It made me feel so great, and then I felt like a terrible person for not giving him my number. I could tell he was embarrassed, and I wish he didn't feel that way.

Then again, I'm living with Roberto and I have my kids...
so I really don't want a date anyway...
but it was so amazing to have that happen.

Tonight I'll go out and get some dye to make my hair vibrant again.
I'm not sure whether I want to do a deep auburn with caramel highlights, or just keep it a natural chestnut.
I'd love to see highlights in all of my layers...
=)

Also, looks like I'll be spending my winter temping at a Beauty Brands office... filing and odd accounting jobs. It will pay me the same as I'm making as the manager at Sheridan's, but I'll be getting more hours in.

Can't wait!


And lately...
I've become addicted to espresso.
My check was a little bit larger than I anticipated, so I'll be buying some nanners and fruits and doing my (mostly) raw diet... can't get rid of the espresso habit, at least for now.

Then off to modeling!