Who I am?

It seems like I've done nothing at all in 2012.

I wonder what would have happened if I'd stayed where I was a year ago. In so many ways I've moved on from my old self.
I've tried to be a better person. I think that my behavior has greatly improved.
I've put more thought into what others want before I've focused on myself.
I just wonder if that's the best road to take.
I try so hard to be unselfish, giving, loyal.
I think that's how the ideal person should be.

I could be selfish. I could be materialistic and care for only myself. I could be greedy and vain,
but I choose not to. Life would be so much easier if I only focused on my wants.
I just can't bring myself to do that, and I don't know why. Everyone else seems to be great at it.

Maybe that's why I think we, as a society, suck.

The majority of people wouldn't look out for their neighbor's best interest. If they did, there wouldn't be so much violence these days. People would be more conscious of their thoughts and actions. There would be respect and acceptance on the streets, not homicides and prostitutes.

Maybe prostitutes.

Probably prostitutes. Love is love, man.

I just feel myself getting so run down again. It's a vicious cycle... Trying to be the perfect person, but imploding every year or two and causing more damage in a week than I would in all those saintly years.

I have to fix this bug inside of me.

But I think maybe it's normal... to want to be selfish.. to want to get out and do whatever I want to do.. to not think about any consequences.

I don't know.

I need to be a good person.
I HAVE to be a good person.

I'm only tough on the outside...

For some reason,
I feel so emotional.
I feel lonely, even though I'm never by myself.
I feel the need to be creative, even though I never craft anything.
I feel powerful and powerless at the same time...
Secure enough to go through the motions with a slight sense of purpose, but honestly just wasting time wandering along the same path I've gone before... Constantly looking over my shoulder...
I desperately want change in my life, but the thought of going through change scares me to death.

At home I'm nearly content. I get so bored stuck in here all the time. I'm just confined...
Going out isn't really an option for me because I have the kids to care for. It's difficult to take them anywhere, to be honest. They don't stay together. I spend more time wrangling them up than doing whatever I had planned in the first place. I get frustrated and snappy at them and we all go home upset. I don't like that.

At least at work I get my social interaction. They're all so much younger than I am, though.
One of the guys is wanting to start a band with me. He says he'll teach me guitar. I'd like to sing, too. I get all happy thinking about it, until I forsee all the drama it will cause between me and Roberto.
He gets jealous when I talk about hanging out with the guys. Instead of starting a fight, I choose to stay home... but I really want friends that I can hang out with.
and I don't like girls... so having girlfriends is out.

I feel like my life is relatively easy. I just need a challenge in it.
I need something to look forward to, because just going through the motions to get though the day is depressing. I always find some reason to hold myself back, and I'm tired of it.
I just wonder if I'm tired enough to break the habit.

One man's trash...

This week has been an amazing one for my house.
I have so much furniture... when I had practically none before!

Craigslist has been my best friend.
We found a free couch, 3 free TVs, and a massive curio cabinet that we're using as an entertainment center.
The couch is old, and I don't really care for it, but for now it's something to sit on.
The TVs were all sitting on the street corner, and they all work perfectly. I was able to put one in Allison's bedroom and build her a shelf for all of her VHS movies. Yay hammer skills!
The cabinet is just gorgeous. It stretches along the entire wall and up to the ceiling. The detail on it is amazing. It looks high end... and we got it for free because it's missing a couple shelves... that I can easily get made for a few dollars and stain myself. I'm so excited! It even has built-in lights. I've never had anything like it before.

The house down the street has been vacant for a month, and someone came in and gutted it out. All the furniture and clothing was thrown in a huge pile in the middle of the driveway. We watched it for a day, and nobody came to collect anything, so we went and looked through everything. We found a rocking chair for the girls, two side tables, a swivelling barstool, a suede jacket, and a purse with a long gold chain. I removed the chain and made it into a necklace. It's gorgeous.

So our house is getting a make-over.

It's been a month since we reported that our water-damaged floor needs replaced, the doors won't close, and seals on all of the plumbing are leaking. It took 2 weeks for someone to come in, rip up the carpet, and take pictures. It's been over 2 weeks since that, the carpet is still ripped up, we haven't used the master bathroom in a month, and they told us not to do laundry until the floor was fixed.
Nobody has come by at all to do the repairs. It's really frustrating. We go to the office every few days to remind them that we can't access a good chunk of our home, and they always say 'Today, maybe Tomorrow.' It's ridiculous.


Anyway...
Today we took the kids to a private Christmas party on the plaza and they got to see Santa and get their first presents. It was cute. They got their pictures taken and faces painted. All the kids there were dressed up.. and Allison was wearing a skull and crossbones shirt...
but Santa gave them great books and candy...
It was a fantastic day.

We pinned down the carpet and put our Christmas tree over the hole in the floor, rearranged all of the furniture, and turned on the Feliz Navidad lights. We bought the gifts for the kids, and I'm excited for them to go to bed so I can wrap them all.

I bought wrapping paper yesterday, and my kids saw the paper in the car, so I told them that mommies and daddies had to buy paper to send to Santa so he can wrap the presents... so the lies begin.

Since Christmas is right around the corner, I've started introducing the Bible to the girls and telling them the story of baby Jesus. Allison heard 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' on the radio... and lately she's been getting really excited and yelling "Jesus is coming to town!" She's a bit confused. She keeps getting excited and saying she wants to see Jesus.

So.. That's where I'm at now.
Great week.

My Glorious Chick Mullet

I've wanted my hair cut for a long time.
I like to cut my own hair because I like it funky and different.
Last time I cut my hair, my co-workers called me Nikki Sixx for a month.
I really loved it.

I let my hair grow out to the middle of my back, but that's just too long for me.
I got tired of all the hairs falling out and making me itchy.
Honestly, I wanted to cut it all off and do a Rihanna-type 'do.
I just know that as soon as I chop my hair off, I'll cry my eyes out and want it back .

So last night I took my favorite scissors and chopped away... I have so much volume and texture in my fantastic bangs and my shorter layers. It's groovy.
I kept most of the length in the back... I just layered it from the very short up top down to the middle of my shoulder blades in back. It sounds weird, but it's whispy and flippy in all the right places.

I like to put it up in pig tails, because they fountain out, and it looks like a cute anime-type style that I haven't seen in a long time. The top layers are too short to reach the pony tails, so they just add the volume that I love and somehow, miraculously, always fall right into place without products or effort from me.

Everyone seems to love my new hair. I got so many wonderful comments on it.

I was handing out desserts at drive last night and this really sweet guy came back 20 minutes later just to ask me out. That hasn't happened in years!
It made me feel so great, and then I felt like a terrible person for not giving him my number. I could tell he was embarrassed, and I wish he didn't feel that way.

Then again, I'm living with Roberto and I have my kids...
so I really don't want a date anyway...
but it was so amazing to have that happen.

Tonight I'll go out and get some dye to make my hair vibrant again.
I'm not sure whether I want to do a deep auburn with caramel highlights, or just keep it a natural chestnut.
I'd love to see highlights in all of my layers...
=)

Also, looks like I'll be spending my winter temping at a Beauty Brands office... filing and odd accounting jobs. It will pay me the same as I'm making as the manager at Sheridan's, but I'll be getting more hours in.

Can't wait!


And lately...
I've become addicted to espresso.
My check was a little bit larger than I anticipated, so I'll be buying some nanners and fruits and doing my (mostly) raw diet... can't get rid of the espresso habit, at least for now.

Then off to modeling!

Dream 11/27/12

Last night I was down by the docks with these tiny little boats tied up to the side, and I bent down to look into the water. An orca popped up in between the boats and I reached out to touch it, but the waters started... wiggling.. and a massive killer whale rose up out of the water! I could have laid down across it's nose. I couldn't even see it's eye, because it was too far away. For some reason I wanted to pet it's tongue...

Anyway, somehow I was running up the stairs to this giant office-type building. On the top floor, there was a lobby and a door separated me from the inner office. I couldn't walk anymore. My legs and feet were crippled and I was put into a wheelchair. The doors opened and a man came out to do some sort of business withe me, and I felt like I needed to run away, but I was stuck in the chair! I flopped down into the floor and scooted away as fast as if I was running, and jumped out of the window. The building was on fire... All of the buildings were on fire..
Amazingly enough, my legs were fine again. Better, even. I jumped around from rooftop to rooftop to escape from the man, even though I knew he couldn't have followed me.
I saw a palace... and it was on fire in the distance.

I jumped down onto the stone streets and everything around me was lush and beautiful again. I walked along until I came to a church. There was a wrought-iron table and chairs outside of it and pink flowers growing all around. Sitting in one of the chairs was a man who smiled at me, and I fell in love with him. We walked and laughed and were happy.

Then I woke up.

Weird, huh?

Gearing up for Christmas

I love Christmas.
I love the lights,
I love the fake sparkley snow.
I love the songs.
I love getting the family together.

 I always had Christmas at my grandma's house. We all crammed into the living room and opened armloads of presents and ate everything in sight.

Now that I'm an adult, I'm thinking more about money than giving joy.
It makes me feel so sad and selfish.

Everyone has excuses...

My check this period will be about half the size it normally is, due to shortened days and the inevitable cutting of hours. I'm so stressed out about who all I'm buying gifts for. I WANT to give everyone a gift. I just can't afford to spend hundreds of dollars right now.

My priorities are my own kids, and everyone, I'm sure, understands that.

I want to buy the 60 inch flat screen Wi-Fi TV that Roberto's been wanting for so long... but in reality, it's not going to happen. I want to buy a nice, new microwave for my mom, since I broke hers last year...

Because of the flood my broken washer unleashed on my house, I need to replace half the flooring in my living room and buy a new washing machine. I'll name it Noah, and there will be peace in my household.
My car has been in the shop for the past week, and I need to pay the mechanic today. I kind of wonder why, since I don't ever get to drive my own car.

I'm just broke.

My new favorite store is GoodWill.
I bought an expensive-looking blazer last week for $3. I also bought a purse for Allison for another $3. I think they're both brand new.
The past couple paychecks I've gone there and bought expensive-looking slacks and blouses for $8.50 for the set. I have a whole new mini-wardrobe that looks absolutely professional, and I've only spent $25 total on all my clothes.
I may take my sisters there for a little spree for Christmas. We all love thrift stores and great bargains. I'd rather get them a couple of outfits each than spend the money on a toy they'll just end up throwing away.

I'd like to make little gifts for everyone, so nobody gets left out.

Last year I made 100 angels out of rose petals and bottles of bubbles. The kids loved them, and I only spent $20ish on all the supplies. Everyone in my family got one, and I even had extras!

The year before that I bought 50 scratcher tickets for my family to share. One person won ten dollars and two got free tickets lol.

I remember my mom going to craft stores and making wreaths out of styrofoam rings and squares of fabric. They were beautiful. That was inexpensive.

I like the craft idea. Roberto, the kids, and myself need an activity to do together.
I'll just have to keep browsing for ideas.

...
I'm a bit scatter-brained today..

I can't remember my dreams that well either.

Dream 11-19

Lately my dreams have been so vivid...
They have affected me so much that I spend a great deal of my waking hours thinking about them.

I dreamed I was sitting in the center of the blue seats, and because of something my pastor had heard, he came and sat next to me. He told me that what I've been thinking about is not the right thing, and we should work through it. I was so embarrassed. I didn't want to look at him. He gave me 2 things, a small, blue, glass elephant with it's trunk up in a spiral, and a very large white elephant with gold circles covering the surface. I didn't understand why he was giving them to me. Then he said that he wanted to pray with me. Afterward, he said I should write a letter and get all of my feelings out. I went back to pray with him, and all of my guilt was gone. I knew that what I had been thinking was wrong, but after those moments, I knew that I wouldn't be thinking about it again.

So...

When I woke up, I felt like I needed to pray.
I've never been seriously religious. I've never prayed, at least not genuinely.
Yet I am so overpowered to do so right now.
I feel like I'm being pulled to do something for myself, maybe for others too.

So why elephants?
Elephants, to me, mean something obvious.

The first elephant, I couldn't even tell was an elephant at first. It was dark and twisted. So maybe that's something I should try to figure out. What does that one represent? Something vague and hidden from my mind, yet important enough to be brought to my attention. Hmmm...
Maybe something like shame?
Something put into tangible form that I could tote anywhere..?

The second elephant I was given, the large white and gold one, was so cumbersome and ridiculously large. It was flashy and attracted so much attention. I was embarrassed by it. Even though I thought it was gorgeous and I was captivated by it, I just wanted to set the elephant down, out of the way. It was out of place. Maybe that represents my thoughts lately. They seem to be large and flashy, and consume too much of my attention. Time to set those aside to focus on better things.

Or maybe they're just elephant figurines =)

And now this is my letter explaining all of my feelings,
which isn't a letter explaining all of my feelings.
I can't be completely open when I'm posting on the internet...
but I can at least state the basics.


Friggie

A Fresh Start, Home Improvement, Self Improvement, Life Improvement

I'm getting a jump start on my New Year's resolutions.
I've never made any before, so I've never kept any.
We'll see how many I can check off my list by the end of 2013.

Life for me is going pretty well. Changes I want to make right now may not be absolutely necessary, but improvement in general is always a good thing.

I've been promoted in my job. I'm the offical Store Manager. Hurray! The Owners are great, and I'm getting more training and developing my skills. I've made a resume, which I've never had before, and I'm planning on sending it out to get a more permanent career. The fabulous thing is that the Owners are extremely supportive of this. They know my dream isn't to make custard my entire life, and to be honest, I don't get paid what I'd like to be paid... or anywhere near what I'd like to be paid.

So my career goals for the next year are:
Take Business Management and Accounting classes.
Send out my resume and secure a career that will leave me mentally fulfilled and financially stable.

I'm debating on whether or not to buy this mobile home I'm renting now.
The more time I spend here, the more I love it.
Roberto brought me home an entertainment center for my room, and I'm in love with it. It must weigh about 300 pounds. We couldn't lift it at all. Funny thing is, it's about half the size of my old one, and we moved that easily.

So my home improvement goals (if I chose to buy the home) are:
Replace the flooring with hardwoods.
Create some art to decorate.
New window treatments throughout.
Fence in the yard.
Stain the front porch and furnish.

I'd really love a house though. Something that won't fly away in a strong wind...

Anyway,

My spiritual journey has just started. I've begun to read the Bible, New International Version, and I think it's a beautiful book. I loved Genesis, but Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers bored me, to be honest. I don't fully understand it. I grew up with my father who is very much an athiest, so going from one extreme point of view to another is a bit jarring.
All I know is that when I go to my church, Heartland Community, I feel so much love and acceptance. I think about it all week, and I can't wait for Sunday. I volunteer in the daycare in the early morning, and attend the later mass. I don't even like to call it mass. It's not like the traditional Catholic churches that I've briefly attended. The pastor uses humor and current situations to help people like me to understand. The band is fabulous. The sign language interpreter is amazing to watch....
And the people! Just the regular people who attend are good, genuine, nice people.
I haven't come across a single person who made me feel a bit unwelcomed.
It's funny. I felt as if I wasn't allowed to be there on my first day, because I don't really know what to believe, but the more I go and listen to Pastor Dan and casually talk to the people, the more I feel like there's no other place I'd rather be.
How is that possible?

My spiritual goals for this year are:
Read the entire Bible
Attend communtiy gatherings at my church
Donate my time and resources to helping others whenever possible

So to those of you who casually read my blog, or are my regular readers and who have been looking for me, I'm sorry for completely erasing the blog I used to have here.
I just feel like something has changed inside of me, and none of the things that have happened in the past seem to matter anymore. There's only the present and forward.

I'm looking forward to new beginnings..

I still hope to be entertaining and fun to read.
My blog is titled Possibly Inappropriate, and I'm sure I'll still say inappropriate things, or things that others may not have the courage to say.
I value honesty.

But I also value entertainment =)

There will be more to come, I promise.
I'll try to post daily from now on.

Much love,
Friggie