I guess I can unload the crazy..
I can't afford a shrink, so this will have to do.
I just want to write until my fingers fall off.
I don't know how I've become this angry, delusional lemon.
As far as finances go, I'll be better than I've ever been.
Why, you ask?
Because I got a new job that I didn't tell you about, silly goose.
I start next week.
It's a company that has the word 'Engineering' in its title, and when I told my old friends about it.. the super smart friends in my geeky circle of smartness.. they asked what my job title was.
They expect me to be the lead engineer or something. I graduated second in my class in a school that only accepted the top 2% of school dudes. So far, I haven't answered them.
In reality, I'll be working in a warehouse.
To be honest, it has it's perks. Great perks. They're matching what I made as manager at my last job.. and that's only to start. I get a raise after 60 days. Paid vacation and sick days. Retirement plan. No nights, weekends, or holidays.
The job itself's not glamorous by any means, but it will pay me well, and the people I've met are kind.
As far as home life, I'm completely miserable.
The bills are all in my name, yet nobody gave me their share this month. It's either pay the bills and be broke, or wait for them to cough up what they owe and have my credit hammered into the dirt. I have a feeling that my credit is important, so I paid the bills.
I used my last $30 to buy groceries for the girls. It was supposed to last all week.
Well, Hello!
Berto's mom decided to invite her grandkids over for 2 days and let them tear apart my kitchen.
All the food I bought yesterday to last a week is halfway gone. I'm out of money.
And I really, really hate his mom now.
She makes more money per hour and more overtime than Berto and I, yet she never has any money.
She didn't give me her portion of the bills, she NEVER buys groceries, and she takes my car every day to work. On her days off, she leaves with my car before I'm even awake. Last week, she left my car at her daughter's house and brought a different car - and the grandkids - here. So, not only am I fuming and miserable, but I can't leave! Berto's made so many copies of my car key that I don't even know how many there are around the house.. I've tried collecting them all. She always finds one though. Tell me why I should be paying insurance on a car I don't drive? She actually told me that if I bought a car for myself, she'd start paying half the insurance to 'help me out.'
Dear Lord, Every time I see this woman, I fight the urge to punch her in her selfish, take-everything-that-doesn't-belong-to-her, inconsiderate face.
I never thought I'd feel this way about a person.
Oh, but she did pay to have the cable on. Cause to her, that's more important than making sure my kids eat.
I tried asking Berto to talk to his mom about all of this, and he refuses. He just gets angry with me for being angry with his mom. She's taking complete advantage of us. How on earth do I make a fraction of the money that she does, pay all of my bills, give Berto gas money, buy all the groceries, and be ok until the next payday - broke, but okay - and she can't afford anything but the cable bill (when she decides to pay it - They've disconnected service twice already. Thank God that bill's in her name.)
It baffles me.
I want her gone.
And now Berto refuses to speak to me.
I don't mind much anymore, to be honest. I'd rather be alone.
Scratch that, I'd rather be on a nice date that could potentially turn into something safe and comforting to me.
He said I both laughed and cried in my sleep last night.
The dream was so... I knew it wasn't real.. but the emotions were so intense.
I really liked this guy... and it was amazing when we were together... and I can remember smiling more than I have in years. He was handsome, charming... and off limits. I found out halfway through my dream that he was married and I was heartbroken.
Hmph.
Even in my dreams I can't catch a keeper.
So I just feel like I'm in this deep, dark place and I can't escape... at least not just yet.
AGH!
Butt's numb.
As far as the crazy goes, I'm pretty sure it's time to go get checked out.
I had a panic attack a couple weeks ago at work because I though I saw a person in my store. I worked alone during the daytime... so there couldn't have been anyone there. And there wasn't.
You know how some kids have imaginary friends? Well... I didn't. At least, she wasn't my friend, and she wasn't real. I mistook her for my sister a couple times. I even dreamed about her. She was as real and solid to me as you are... if you're real.
At daycare, I followed a boy in the playground who turned around and vanished behind a tree. I thought he was real.
Things like that have always happened with me. I've shut out a lot of it...
But I don't feel like I can ignore it any longer.
I spend a great deal of time staring at poings in space just KNOWING that something was there... but I know that there really couldn't have been..
I also spend a great deal of time talking to myself. Full on conversations. It's weird. I'm usually two different people, and I never know how the conversation will turn out.
I thought I was just creative and amusing myself... but I doubt it's normal.
I don't think it's a personality thing.. because it's never the same people. More like role-play. What I'd say during an interview or what I'd wish I had said to so-and-so earlier that day.
I could just be over-imaginative...
Until my paranoia sets in and I talk to empty chairs like I'm doing now to not feel so alone because something about the living room is creeping me out right now.... and I want to go to bed, but I don't want to share it with Berto and I don't want to be alone either...
Maybe that's enough for tonight.
I just don't want to be alone.
At least writing to you, I'm not alone
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